You know what really grinds my gears? That stuff is only real when you are able to articulate it rationally and without emotion.
Do you have any idea how difficult this is for us guys? And to remain masculine as well?
Talking about impossible standards for men. At least women can go to the gym and be in shape after a couple of months. Plastic surgery. We men need to reprogram thousands of years of evolution. Start articulating clearly and rationally what lies deeply buried within our souls. Without any noteworthy help whatsoever. It has cost me many years to figure this stuff out for myself without coaching or the like.
‘Ah, you had all these problems, all this time, why didn’t you say so? We could have helped you.’
People don’t have a clue how cruel this statement is. It is like telling a cripple man: ‘why didn’t you just walked over to us? We have a lovely well here. And all kind of facilities. We could have given you crutches’. Thanks, but no thanks. I don’t need any crutches any more. I have painstakingly learned to walk by myself.
Sometimes I get so frustrated from not being able to express myself normally, that I express myself in a negative and hurtful way. I have learned to translate this as passion to myself. But at the company I work for, they call it not professional. ‘You cannot say these things like that’. Although the issues I address are real, after an outburst from my side, the issues themselves have become void. And I get a notification on my file. A file which I have never seen in my life. Over the years, I bet it has a couple of ‘incidents’ like these in it. Cries for help, I would call them. These incidents in my file are used in order to block a promotion or reduce my bonus. Instead, I hoped that they would be used as an indicator to have a conversation with me. ‘What is wrong? Why did you act like that? Are there any things we can do?’ Now I get: ‘You should not behave in that way’. Why doesn’t it occur to the people who are responsible for my professional wellbeing that I am in pain and I am not able to solve these issues myself?
I am crawling towards the water well and I cry out from thirst. ‘Don’t cry out like that, Sebastiaan! This is not professional.’ I am suffering and because I am not able to express myself professionally and constructively. Yet there is no one to help me.
Why do I need managers and HR if they don’t help me at all? What is their role in this game? It reminds me of the parable of the Good Samaritan. My manager and HR’s role is to make sure that I am helped whenever I fall down. But they just seem to walk by. ‘Please fill in this form. Please state exactly what your problem is.’ As if I could exactly describe my painful process of losing my passion at my work. Anyway, after a long process, I slowly learned to be my own Good Samaritan. But, when I get up and look around I am sad to see that the place is filled with people with the similar issues.